Since my last post I've made a few major steps toward living past my everyday thinking habits. Towards the end of our vacation I ventured out to the pet store with my family, so Jaida could replace one of her beloved hermit crabs. I allowed myself to be there fully instead of rushing her in what to pick out and we even let her choose a few more items for their habitat. Then, Dan and I stopped by Walmart to drop off and decide on a new Red Box movie. I figured while we were there we might as well purchase some things we needed. Again, there was no rushing or feeling that I needed to hurry and get out of there. It genuinely felt good. No, the trip wasn't a long one and we were home within the hour, but to me, it felt like an accomplishment. I was happy to agree to go without any stipulations and it turned out to be a great experience.
Next up came talking myself into having to go back to work. I felt a little anxious the night before, but eventually it died down and I was able to relax. The work week flew by, as it often does. I made a few trips to the grocery store with no inner problems to talk down and yesterday I told myself I would live the day to it's fullest and I truly feel that I did just that. We visited with my mom, whose birthday is coming up and then we played four rounds of basketball down at the park. Sure, it seems small to most of you, but to me, it's a big deal and to me, it was a wonderful feeling being able to do little things like that with my family and feel good being in those moments.
Today, I am enjoying my quiet morning while Jaida is off at school and Dan is working. At 1pm I have an eye doctor appointment, which I'm sure you've already guessed has put ideas in my mind about the trip. I know it won't last all day and I know what to expect so I should be fine. That's how a normal person would think. No, actually, a normal person wouldn't even think about it, they would go, no questions asked. Me, I have to envision driving there, getting out of my car, waiting to be called back, and then the whole ordeal of the doctor checking my eyes. That's how my brain works. I wanted it to be different today. I wanted to wake up and go about my morning, get everything I wanted to get done at home, get ready and just go. Instead I'm blogging about a stupid optical exam. Seriously? These are the steps I have to take on a daily basis. I have to focus on small things to keep my mind in control and stop it from wandering into dark territory. The reality? I go to my appointment, my eyes are fine, I order my contacts and I'm on my way back home in a matter of a half hour, being able to relax for the rest of my day off. Nothing lasts forever. This trip won't last forever and neither will this over thinking/over analyzing situation. I have to take it one day at a time, living in the moment and focusing on the good. If I dissected my life right now, with these baby steps I've been taking, I'd say things are looking up. Life is good and every day I am grateful for everything I have and I will be fine.
Update: I wanted to let you all know that I went to my exam, sweaty palms and all, and everything turned out great! Then, instead of high tailing it home I decided since I was out I might as well make the most of it, so I deposited a few checks at the bank, stopped at Walmart to get a few things, and then went to Culligan to fill up one of our 5 gallon jugs. Never once did I rush and aside from being nervous at my appointment everything else happened with ease. It's the little things like this that add up. Now I will enjoy the rest of my day off and relax. :)