Body Image

Recently, an old friend tagged me in some really old pictures from my youth. Looking back, I came to the realization that I didn't look quite as bad as I once imaged myself to be. You see, growing up, I always considered myself to be of the chubby variety, mostly in part of the way others treated me. My step dad used to ask me if it was necessary for me to be eating certain foods because I didn't want to be a fat kid. I always retaliated with,"Well, look at your belly." Of course, that usually got me in trouble, but now that I think about it, he was partly to blame for the foods I was putting into my mouth. Also, I was in the 4th grade! Thanks for the words of encouragement, "dad". I took his harsh criticism and instead of using it to make myself not turn into the kid he envisioned me, I ate Little Debbies as afternoon snacks, cookies and cake for breakfast, drank plenty of soda, even though my mom soon limited us to one per day, but my point is, I obviously became an emotional eater. No, I was not overweight, but I did have a problem.

I remember looking down at myself, many a time, and silently hating my stomach, which I was pretty much doomed for life to always tote around. To me, that was my body and I would always have to live with the rolls or the extra layer of flab that covered my pre-teen mid section. Boys didn't like me because I wasn't as thin or pretty as the other girls. Soon after, I developed the "I'm not good enough" mindset and settled on being the chubby girl. I wasn't raised to watch my figure or to exercise, although my mom did cook great meals for us growing up, making us eat all of our veggies yet I was the only kid who had body issues. My sister could eat an entire bag of Doritos and wash it down with a Pepsi and not gain a pound. My brother still eats like he's a Sumo wrestler and you wouldn't be able to tell because he has not one ounce of fat on his body. It was very frustrating for me, living in a house full of unhealthy foods and watching my siblings eat everything in sight without any repercussions. Nope, not me. I ate what they ate and it showed, in my face, my thighs, my stomach...I had the bad genes, apparently.

When you view yourself a certain way, regardless of what the mirror is bouncing back at you, that's how you look in your mind. Even now at 125lbs and the healthiest I've ever been, I still think of myself as that chubby girl. Only when I actually see myself do I remember that I'm not her anymore. I remember when I went off to college I actually lost 20 pounds instead of gaining the popular Freshman 10 or 15. My friends thought I was starving myself because they weren't used to seeing me sans meat on my bones. I'll be honest, I felt awesome! Sure, I wasn't entirely healthy, but I was skinny and that's all that mattered to me. Admittedly, I was mirroring the eating patterns of another student who was addicted to exercise and not properly fueling her body. She was the reason I grew to love pasta and salsa as a meal followed by many cigarettes. It was working for me, so I didn't see how damaging it was to her body until I watched her pass out, not once but 3 times in the same hour. I believe we stopped hanging out shortly after this event.

I've struggled with weight my whole life, that's a fact. At my heaviest, I was 192, with child. One of the reasons many will never see a pregnancy picture of me. I was a cow in an over-sized t-shirt. Seriously. Of course, I lost most of that weight after giving birth and breast feeding, but even after, I was still pretty puffy around the edges. I worked with some extremely skinny girls and that certainly didn't help because they ate the same crap I was eating, yet my body wasn't the size of an arm. Oh yeah, I compared the shit out of myself with these girls. I remember one of them getting me to go on walks with her a few times. I don't know if she was trying to help me out, but I appreciated the gesture. We would often go out to bars or clubs and I always felt inadequate dancing next to them. Like they were a part of some club that I'd never get into. It sucks when you feel that way about yourself. It's demoralizing. I didn't know how to be skinny without harming my body in the process and I wasn't about to go back down that road, so instead, we tried diet pills. Boy was that an awful idea. My husband had gained weight right along with me so we decided to diet together. The pills were some off brand of a popular new diet craze and we paired them with the ever so healthy Atkins Diet. We were like walking angry zombies on steroids. That diet didn't last long. Eating all meat zapped any and all energy from our bodies and made our breath smell like the inside of a cats butt that was scrounging around in a dumpster. I don't recommend it to anyone.

Now that I know what proper nutrition and exercise actually does for the body, I can look back and laugh at our attempts to be healthy. My body image may still need a little tweaking, but at least I can teach my daughter and other women how to feel better about themselves without the need to step on a scale everyday. It took me years to be able to know what I can and can't eat and to stay at a steady weight and to show others that it's possible to live your whole life not being that person you had stamped on your brain as a child. Being thin isn't the be all end all, it's about being healthy on the inside and letting that shine through to the parts others can see. It's about being grateful for the struggles and learning to be a better person despite our losses or mistakes. Body image is in our minds. It's in the way we are treated and in the way we treat ourselves. You don't have to be the chubby girl if you don't want to be the chubby girl. You simply have to want to change in order for change to happen. It seems hard to grasp when you get started, but I promise you, one day you will love what you see on the other side of that mirror if you just have the motivation to do so.

IIN Love

Let me start off by saying that I am completely, madly in love with IIN. It's nearing the end of the 2nd month and although I'm not up to par on my modules and training, I am not only learning a lot, but have made many new and wonderful connections with the classmates. I even have a health coach of my own, to help and guide me along this journey through schooling and starting up my very own business. My coach is amazing! I assumed the school paired us up with people who were similar to us because we have so many things in common and get along so well, but yet again it was one of those things that happened by pure chance. So far, we've spoken twice on our phone sessions. She makes herself available to me via email and telephone if I should need her assistance and she already has her own business complete with website and blog that I can not only apply to my life but recieve tips for my future career as well. I seriously couldn't be happier or luckier to have connected with such a great person!

The January class made a Facebook page for any questions or suggestions we may have through out the year. What an awesome place of support! I have met so many new people! I was even able to gather a small group to virtually study together on a bi-weekly basis. Our first meeting went so well, which I conducted myself, with the help of another classmate and new friend. I was extremely nervous the entire day at work, trying to figure out how everything would come together. I didn't even have Skype at that point. Luckily, one of the group members walked me through exactly how the meeting should go and what we'd be going over and as 9:00 rolled around we were all talking and laughing and getting to know each other so well that it barely felt like a meeting at all. Everyone had something of importance to share and I learned a lot from each person. I can't wait for study group this wednesday! Hopefully I can wind down and have a dreamless sleep after this one. I was so keyed up from the last meeting that I dreamed all night and barely slept at all. Too much adrenaline I guess? I'm a little relieved to be able to sit back and let someone else take the reigns, this week.

The most exciting thing that's happened thus far, would be figuring out my official business name. I wracked my brain for a few weeks to see what would come to me and although I didn't end up with the original name I picked out, I was able to find one that fit me and would represent my health coaching business completely. I jumped ahead quite a bit by purchasing my domain name, but I felt as though I had to grasp onto it before it was taken by someone else. I won't reveal the name publicly until my web page is fully operational, but that time will come soon enough. Until then, my plan is to continue learning and studying my bum off because my time at this school is very short lived and I want to enjoy every tiny moment that gets me on the road to true success.

School Update

I am taking this opportunity to share with whomever is interested in how school is going for me, so far. Last Monday I received my big, red box with everything I need to study and use for my journey to becoming a health coach. I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty excited about the ipad and so was my daughter. School officially started on January 17th and my first module was posted so I could begin my training. Let's be honest, I was pretty stressed out and nervous about what was taking place. For a person who used to get bored with the norm, I often find myself freaking out about change. This is a huge step for me and as I don't know the exact outcome once I got down to business I began to feel more at ease with what is about to transform. I had a lot of time, last week, to get some of my fundamentals listened to and to be able to join in on the discussions and started on my first, real assignment. What this school is teaching is something I believe in heavily. Everything I was hearing made so much sense to me and I realized I was smiling halfway through the video and audio learning objectives. Teaching proper nutrition and holistic healing is what I've been passionate about for a long time and what I'm learning is exactly what I've been trying to help others with in their struggles to live healthier lives. Even though a part of me is still a little fearful of what's ahead, I know that whatever comes of this experience will be something I will be able to be proud of. For right now, I'm happy in my decision to start this process. There will be ups and downs and things I'm not going to want to do, I'm sure, but I know it will all be worth it in the long run. 

"It's never too late to become who you might have been." George Eliot

The First Taste

I wanted to share something that happened to me at work, the other day. As I mindlessly wandered about the store, straightening up books for the gazillionth time, I overheard a couple, reading aloud, from the alternative health section. They were going over what kinds of foods effect you in which ways or which ones can heal certain maladies. Vaguely, I picked up on what they were trying to cure and I contemplated approaching them with the knowledge of my own. After awhile I heard the word elderberry being mentioned, and if you've been recently sick, I've most likely recommended this very same thing to you for your family. Taking in a big gulp of air, I calmly walked up to them and said how I overheard their conversation and wasn't sure exactly what they were trying to cure, but that elderberry was absolutely one of the best defenses against viruses. The woman said she suffered from Chronic Sinusitis and has been to the doctor several times and aside from being prescribed antibiotics, nothing has helped her get better and it's actually gotten much worse to the point of possibly having to have surgery on her nasal cavities to open them up and allow her to breathe normally. I told them of all the benefits of elderberry and asked her a few other questions as far as what she's tried and also recommended a couple other things that might help her out. We talked for a good 10-15 minutes and I really felt like I was helping this woman with her problem. She was very grateful for my suggestions too. After I walked away from them I had this overwhelming sense of pride for having the knowledge to share with these people who were desperately searching for an answer. Although, after I left them alone to their own devices, I overheard her saying how she doesn't like to drink a lot of water...I almost kicked myself for not suggesting proper hydration, but I was not about to approach them again and tell her how she was ruining any chance of recovery by dehydrating her body. *sigh* Oh well. Another time, perhaps.

Welcome to 2012

I tend to shy away from making ridiculously, unreachable goals, especially as a New Year's Resolution. This year is different. This year, I am making a huge decision in my career and my goal for 2012 is to quit my current job, learn something fairly new, and makeover the way that I make money for myself and my family, along with being happy in what I'm accomplishing. I have said many times that I would not go back to school. I did it straight out of high school, loved it, met some amazing people, but essentially let it fall by the way side, got married and had a child instead. At the time, I was okay with the way things panned out. I always wanted to fall in love, find the right man, and be with him forever. Kids were never really part of that plan, but once our daughter came along it was absolutely the best thing we could have ever created together. I love my family. I love the life we have made, but I am not happy in my career choices. There are no regrets, because I have met some great friends along the way, but I feel like being almost 32 and stuck in retail management is really not so good for my mental health. So, a few days ago I stumbled upon a school that a distant cousin and current fitness instructor (I'm not sure if that's the correct term) had listed on her facebook profile page and googled it instantly. After looking it over and reading several reviews about what the intention of this institution was based upon, I decided to set up an appointment for a call that's scheduled for tomorrow morning. I know myself and I know that I get excited about new ideas and often second guess myself and never follow through, but I honestly feel like this will be different. I talked it over with Dan and I will talk it over again, after I receive more information about everything it entails, but he was on board as soon as I mentioned that I wanted to do this. Basically, I'd be learning about health and nutrition and how to start up my own private practice with this knowledge. I have a friend who would love to be a personal trainer and we've been talking about possibly going into business together, which would be so perfect for the both of us. I'm pretty knowledgeable in nutrition as medicine and with my own personal experience with getting healthy I have been helping friends stay motivated and helping them eat better and make better choices with food and exercise and I know I can take this further to actually make something of myself and continue to help others while making a living doing so. (Holy run on sentence!) In any case, this is my goal and tomorrow is where I make a change for the better. I'm nervous and anxious and scared, but I will not let fear take center stage in this life altering decision. I've finally found something meaningful to do with my career and I'm running with it, no matter how hard it may seem in the beginning. Here's to a new year and a better me! Cheers!

Bah Humbug?

It would be nice to be the type of person who gets excited about the holidays. I know retail has crushed all hope for me in that aspect. Christmas isn't about me or how I feel, so I trudge on through, wishing the weeks away until it's all over and the tree comes down. The past few years we waited til a few weeks before Christmas to even put the darn thing up. Well, it's about that time again and I find myself excited to be done with it and back to my normal routine. I still have shopping to do, how pathetic is that? There are exactly 4 days until the magical time where my daughter wakes us up way too early to rush through opening her presents and hopefully be grateful for everything she received and she better be after the stress I had to go through to get her the one thing she truly wanted.

Perhaps it's the fact that I hate spending money, but the glitz and glamour of Christmas just doesn't do it for me. I'm not about getting gifts, although I do love to give them. The music plays itself out by the time Thanksgiving rolls around and this year, one of our dogs destroyed the sparkly, red bulbs I put on the tree and had to rearrange at least 3 times before deciding to take them off entirely, do to her love of all things ball shaped. None of the presents I did buy are wrapped yet, although I did manage to find some cute wrapping paper again from the neighborhood Walgreens. And don't even get me started on work, especially this year.

The one thing I do love about this most wonderful time of the year is giving to the less fortunate or doing small acts of kindness. I try to do these things all year round, but I see a lot of places collecting for the Salvation Army or Toys for Tots and it puts a genuine smile on my face when I know that what I'm giving is helping someone who truly needs it. I think that's what Christmas should be about. I mean, we're all out there spending money on stuff people don't need, we might as well just hand it over to someone who'll actually put it to good use.

I don't mean to sound so bah humbug about the holidays or like I'm complaining for the sake of complaining. I'm sure it's just something that comes with age. Time literally flies by the older you get and it's easier to remember the year before because it felt like only yesterday we were sitting around the tree exchanging gifts to one another. I will say that I am grateful for my family and grateful that everyone is healthy and can spend Christmas together. I do love watching Jaida open her gifts, even if I've barely taken a sip of coffee to wake myself from my slumber. Oh, and one more thing I'm super grateful for, the neighborhood I live in for having good taste in choosing their outdoor festive decor. No longer do I boil over with rage at seeing those horrid, randomly blinking lights. I mean, blinking in an orderly fashion, yes. Random sections blinking on and off at any given time, not so much. But that's a whole other blog right there.

My final thoughts are that even though I'm not entirely crazy about every facet of this holiday season, I can at least appreciate the little things and be happy with all that I've been given. Jaida's only 10, so technically I can live through her excitement for at least another 8 years. That's the good thing about kids. You smile just to see them smile and I suppose that right there is the real reason for the season. As cheesy as that may sound.

On Death and Dying

I lost my dad at the age of 8. I remember loving him, when he was around, but other than that I couldn't tell you specifics of our relationship. My parents divorced when I was 2 or 3, I don't recall which, and my mom remarried shortly after to a man who forced us to call him dad. This, of course confused the crap out of me, to the point where I asked my dad what I was supposed to call him if dad was already taken. I can only imagine how that made him feel. I was a curious kid and wanted an honest answer. They were both dad to me after that day. I also remember barely seeing my own dad. It came down to holidays or birthdays after awhile. Then, one day, my mom sat us down on her bed and explained to us that he had a brain tumor. I laughed because I had no clue what that even meant. She told us it was serious and may have even said he would die. Again, I don't recall actual events. When you're a kid things like that hold no bearing over you, especially since this man is hardly a fragment in your life. What significance does this have to a 6 or 7 year old? He lost his hair during treatment and I think around that time, when we did see him, our grandma and grandpa did most of the things he couldn't do with us. I don't remember how weak or out of it he may have been, all I know is that he looked different to me. The memory most imprinted in my mind was the day we visited him in the hospital. It wasn't a very long visit and at the time I didn't know that this would most likely be our last encounter as father and daughter. When we left his room and walked down the narrow hallway there was a lot of crying. Not coming from me or my sister, but our other family members. Was that the last time I saw him before he died? I honestly couldn't tell you. I was so young. It meant almost nothing to me. The funeral came. My first funeral. I cried. My sister cried. Genuinely. We had just lost our father, of course we were sad. That's when I knew I'd never see him again. That was my first taste of death and as life goes, there is always an end and this experience wouldn't be my last.

Growing up, my mom babysat a lot of kids. There was a boy my age by the name of Jayme and his sister, DeLaney who was a year or 2 younger than my sister. I remember going swimming at their house, once, and seeing this button shaped bump under Delaney's skin, on her chest. I don't know if I asked her what it was, but later I found out it was a port-a-cath for chemo therapy. She was about 3 years old when they discovered the Leukemia. At the time, she seemed like a normal, little girl who loved to play games with other normal kids. She seemed perfectly healthy to me, but what did I know? I don't even remember how long my mom babysat her and her brother. It seemed she fought cancer for a very long time before she lost her battle at what I think was the age of 7 or 8. I'm pretty certain that I was about 10 when we attended her funeral. She looked nothing like the little girl I remembered playing with every day. There are bits and pieces that come to mind about that day, but the one thing that sticks out the most, aside from the way she appeared in that casket, was what she wrote about me and my sister that was pinned up on one of the bulletin boards as we were leaving. She called us her best friends and that touched me so much that she forever will be one of my best friends growing up. A friend that I lost too soon in life.

My 3rd encounter with death was my great grandma, or better known as maw-maw. She was such a huge part of all of our lives when we were young. My sister and I and our cousins often stayed the night with her, playing games like "who can crawl to the laundry room first without her noticing us" after we were supposed to be in bed. She would tickle our backs while we watched tv. Then she'd tuck us in nice and tight and retire to her chair in the living room to read the newspaper. We would wait the appropriate amount of time before we giggled our way through the living room and kitchen to get past her to the laundry room, at which point we had no clue what we were to do once we got there. She was totally pretending not to notice us, on our little journey, which made the game even more fun. Then there was the feather duster witch that we were all afraid of that hung on her kitchen wall. We always had fun telling stories about that. In the morning she'd make us hot cocoa and toast and after lunch we'd get pudding on a cloud. We'd go outside and play in her shed or walk out back down by the river. Our maw-maw was the best. She was exactly what a grandma should be to her grandchildren. I was in high-school when she finally passed away. She had Alzheimer's and didn't remember any of us except for one of my cousins and my grandma. We were all so sad to have lost such a great person in our lives. That was the first time I really knew what death meant and the first time I let myself grieve and cry over her absence. I suppose her death meant the most to me because I had more time to spend with her while she was alive.

I guess, to me, death is a scary part of life. You put all of this effort into loving and caring for people and eventually they're not there anymore. My maw-maw wasn't the last to leave my life. I've lost grandparents, friends, an aunt, some pets, an unborn child and I have to be honest, it's hard as hell to lose anyone. We're supposed to live in the moment and enjoy each breath we take with every day we are allowed to be here. We live on with the memories of those who have passed and try to make memories of our own for the people who may lose us one day. It's sad and depressing, but it doesn't have to continue to be so. I learned to put on my cop face during hard times and to brush my feelings under a rug as not to upset those around me. I was tough and hid behind anger rather than letting my emotions be known and then moving on, but all of that has changed and that's why I chose to write about a topic that's hard to talk about in daily conversation. Death is all around us, from the tv we watch to the news we read about in the paper. It's inevitable. One day, I too will be a story for my daughter to share and until that day, after I live my full 100 years of life, I choose to be a good person, a loving wife, a nurturing mother, a helpful daughter, a supportive sister, a kick ass aunt, and an understanding friend. My life will be lived fully and completely because death has the ability to teach us how to live. Yes, even scary ol' death has it's own silver lining.